In a recent article, we explored Martin Buber’s I/Thou philosophy and its relevance to coaching, diving into how profound relational concepts shape our work as coaches.
This sparked a new question for me:
What other big ideas underpin coaching, and what do they actually mean in practice?
With this in mind, we’re launching a series unpacking key philosophical and psychological principles that often surface in coaching conversations. These are the concepts we reference, sometimes without much reflection, but that have the potential to deepen our understanding of the coaching process when explored more intentionally.
In this article, we turn to Carl Rogers’ foundational concept of Unconditional Positive Regard (UPR).
A term that’s frequently mentioned in coaching and therapy training rooms, without truly considering its meaning, UPR can be misunderstood as “acceptance”. But its true meaning goes much deeper.
So, what does Unconditional Positive Regard really mean in coaching? How do we embody it in practice, and what impact does it have on the transformative power of the coaching relationship?
Let’s explore.
What Is Unconditional Positive Regard?
Carl Rogers introduced Unconditional Positive Regard as one of the three core conditions for creating a growth-promoting relationship, alongside empathy and congruence. In simple terms, UPR is the act of fully accepting and valuing another person without judgement, conditions, or expectations.
Key aspects of UPR include:
Acceptance Without Conditions
The client is valued and respected for who they are, not for their actions, achievements, or alignment with the coach’s personal values.
Non-Judgmental Presence
The coach offers a space free from criticism or evaluation, allowing the client to explore themselves without fear of rejection.
Recognition of Humanity
UPR acknowledges the client’s inherent worth and dignity, recognising that imperfections and struggles are part of being human.
For Rogers, UPR was about creating an environment where clients felt safe enough to be vulnerable, explore their authentic selves, and take meaningful steps toward change.
Why Does UPR Matter in Coaching?
Coaching, like person-centred therapy, is rooted in the belief that people have the capacity for growth and self-actualisation. UPR creates the conditions for this growth by fostering trust, safety, and self-acceptance. Here’s why it matters:
1. It Encourages Authenticity
Clients often come to coaching with fears, insecurities, or doubts about their abilities. When a coach demonstrates UPR, clients feel seen and valued as they are, which encourages them to explore their authentic thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement.
2. It Reduces Defensiveness
In the absence of judgement, clients are less likely to feel defensive or ashamed. This creates space for them to reflect honestly, engage with vulnerability, and confront limiting beliefs or behaviours that they might otherwise avoid.
3. It Promotes Self-Acceptance
When clients experience UPR, they often begin to internalise it, developing greater compassion and acceptance for themselves. This shift in self-perception can be transformative, paving the way for meaningful change.
4. It Strengthens the Coach-Client Relationship
UPR deepens trust and rapport between coach and client, creating a relational foundation that supports exploration, risk-taking, and growth.
Practising Unconditional Positive Regard in Coaching
While UPR is a foundational principle, embodying it consistently in practice can be challenging. Here are some ways coaches can integrate UPR into their work:
1. Cultivate a Non-Judgmental Mindset
Start by examining your own beliefs and biases.
Are there behaviours, values, or attitudes that you find particularly difficult to accept?
Awareness of your own judgments allows you to consciously set them aside during sessions, creating a more open and inclusive space for your clients.
2. Separate the Person from the Behaviour
UPR doesn’t mean agreeing with or condoning everything a client says or does. It means accepting their inherent worth regardless of their actions.
For instance, if a client admits to a mistake, you can acknowledge the behaviour without devaluing the person:
Judgmental Approach: “That sounds irresponsible.”
UPR Approach: “It sounds like you’re recognising how your actions impacted the situation. What have you learned from this?”
3. Offer Empathy Without Solutions
Clients often want to feel heard more than they want to come to an immediate fix. Practising UPR means resisting the urge to “fix” or to “get results”, instead offering empathetic presence:
- “That sounds really difficult. How are you feeling about it now?”
- “I can sense this is an important moment for you—what’s coming up for you as you reflect?”
4. Honour Their Autonomy
UPR involves trusting the client’s ability to find their own answers. By resisting the urge to impose your values or steer the conversation, you empower the client to take ownership of their growth.
5. Be Aware of Micro-Expressions
UPR isn’t just about what you say—it’s also about what you convey through tone, body language, and facial expressions. A raised eyebrow or a hesitant pause can unintentionally signal judgement, so aim to remain warm and consistent in your nonverbal communication.
Navigating Challenges to UPR
Despite its importance, practising UPR can be difficult—especially when clients challenge our values or evoke strong emotions. Here’s how to navigate these moments:
1. When Clients’ Values Conflict with Your Own
If a client’s values or actions conflict with your personal beliefs, remind yourself that UPR is not about agreeing but about accepting.
Ask yourself:
- Am I imposing my own worldview onto the client?
- What do I need to set aside to fully accept this person as they are?
Ground yourself in the understanding that your role is to support the client’s growth, not to evaluate their choices.
2. When Clients Display Difficult Behaviours
Some clients may test boundaries, express frustration, or seem disengaged. Rather than reacting defensively, approach these behaviours with curiosity:
- What might this behaviour be communicating about the client’s needs or fears?
- How can I model acceptance while maintaining healthy boundaries?
3. When You Feel Triggered
Coaches are human, and clients’ stories or behaviours may occasionally trigger personal reactions.
In these moments, practising self-awareness and self-compassion is key. Consider seeking supervision or reflective practices to process your responses and ensure you can return to the coaching relationship with openness.
Where Unconditional Positive Regard Can Be Difficult for Coaches
While Carl Rogers’ concept of Unconditional Positive Regard is foundational to relational practices like coaching, embodying it consistently can be challenging.
The principle asks us to accept clients fully and without judgement—but as human beings with our own values, experiences, and emotional responses, this is often easier said than done.
Here are some common scenarios where UPR can become tricky or problematic for a coach:
1. When the Client’s Values or Actions Conflict with Your Own
Coaches inevitably encounter clients whose beliefs, decisions, or behaviours challenge their own moral, ethical, or personal values. For example, a coach might struggle with a client who expresses views the coach finds offensive or adopts behaviours the coach perceives as harmful.
Why It’s Difficult:
Our instinct may be to judge or to subtly steer the client away from values or behaviours we personally find troubling. Even well-meaning advice can reflect our biases, risking a breach of the client’s autonomy and the foundational trust of the coaching relationship.
How to Navigate It:
- Pause and Reflect: Notice your internal reactions and ask, Am I bringing my own worldview into this?
- Seek Curiosity Over Judgment: Explore the client’s perspective with openness, asking questions like, What does this mean to you? or How does this align with your values?
- Use Supervision: If the conflict feels particularly strong, bring it to a supervisor or peer for reflection and perspective.
2. When the Client Displays Challenging or Disengaged Behaviours
Not all clients engage enthusiastically or constructively with the coaching process. A client may arrive unprepared, become defensive, or test boundaries in ways that strain the relationship.
Why It’s Difficult:
These behaviours can evoke frustration or doubt in the coach, making it harder to maintain a sense of unconditional acceptance. Coaches might feel tempted to withdraw emotionally or assume the client isn’t ready for coaching.
How to Navigate It:
- Look for Underlying Needs: Often, challenging behaviours signal unmet needs or fears. For example, defensiveness may stem from vulnerability or uncertainty.
- Model Patience and Acceptance: Staying calm and non-reactive shows the client that the coaching space is safe and non-judgmental.
- Address the Dynamic Directly: Gently name what you notice. For example, “I sense some hesitation here—would it help to explore what’s coming up for you?”
3. When You Feel Triggered by the Client’s Story
Some clients may share experiences that resonate deeply with the coach’s own unresolved emotions, traumas, or challenges. These triggers can lead to emotional reactions that make it harder to maintain UPR.
Why It’s Difficult:
A coach who feels triggered may unintentionally shift the focus away from the client, either by becoming overly empathetic or by withdrawing to avoid their own discomfort. Both responses can disrupt the client’s process.
How to Navigate It:
- Recognise and Manage Your Triggers: Use mindfulness techniques or grounding exercises to stay present with the client while acknowledging your internal response.
- Seek Supervision or Personal Support: Processing these triggers outside of the session ensures they don’t compromise the coaching relationship.
- Remember Your Role: Remind yourself that the session is about holding space for the client’s growth, not your own experiences.
4. When the Concept of UPR Feels Misaligned with Boundaries
Unconditional Positive Regard doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behaviour or sacrificing professional boundaries. A client who consistently pushes against agreed boundaries—arriving late, missing sessions, or acting disrespectfully—can test a coach’s ability to embody UPR.
Why It’s Difficult:
The coach may feel caught between maintaining professional standards and offering unconditional acceptance, fearing that enforcing boundaries might conflict with UPR.
How to Navigate It:
- Redefine UPR: Remember that accepting the client as a whole person does not mean condoning every behaviour.
- Communicate Clearly: Discuss the behaviour in a non-judgmental way. For example, “When sessions start late, it limits the time we have to explore your goals—how might we ensure we both get the most from this time?”
- Set and Maintain Boundaries: Upholding agreed-upon boundaries models self-respect and accountability, which are essential to the coaching relationship.
5. When the Coach Feels They Must “Agree” to Demonstrate UPR
A common misunderstanding of UPR is the belief that acceptance requires agreement. This misconception can leave coaches feeling conflicted, especially when a client’s goals or choices seem unaligned with their wellbeing.
Why It’s Difficult:
The coach may feel torn between upholding the client’s autonomy and gently challenging behaviours or beliefs that seem limiting or counterproductive.
How to Navigate It:
- Separate Agreement from Acceptance: You can fully accept a client while still questioning their assumptions or inviting them to explore alternatives. For example, “I respect that this path feels right for you—can we explore what other options might also support your goals?”
- Reframe Challenges as Support: Position challenges as acts of curiosity rather than disagreement. This ensures the client feels valued and respected, even when exploring different perspectives.
Meeting the Challenges of UPR with Grace
Unconditional Positive Regard is not always easy, but its power lies in the intention to accept and value the client’s humanity, even in moments of difficulty. By recognising where UPR feels challenging, coaches can engage with greater self-awareness and compassion, creating a space where both coach and client can grow.
Ultimately, UPR is not about being perfect—it’s about consistently striving to meet the client with presence, respect, and an open heart, even when the path feels uncertain. By embracing the complexity of UPR, coaches honour the depth of their work and the transformative potential of the coaching relationship.
Beyond the Session: The Ripple Effect of UPR
The impact of Unconditional Positive Regard doesn’t end when the session does. When clients feel fully seen and accepted, they often carry that sense of worth into their relationships, work, and communities. They become more compassionate toward themselves and others, breaking cycles of judgement and creating environments where acceptance and growth can flourish.
For coaches, practising UPR is also transformative. It deepens our capacity for empathy, challenges us to confront our own biases, and reminds us of the profound impact of simply holding space for another human being.
Conclusion: The True Essence of UPR in Coaching
Unconditional Positive Regard is more than a technique—it’s a way of being. It invites coaches to see clients as whole, resourceful, and inherently worthy, creating a relationship where growth is not imposed but nurtured.
In the words of Carl Rogers:
“When the other person is hurting, confused, troubled, anxious, alienated, terrified; or when he or she is doubtful of self-worth, uncertain as to identity—then understanding is called for. The gentle and sensitive companionship of an empathic stance… provides illumination and healing. In such situations, deep understanding is, I believe, the most precious gift one can give to another.”
In coaching, this gift of understanding is rooted in Unconditional Positive Regard. When we embody this principle, we create a space where clients feel free to explore, discover, and transform—not because we demand it, but because they feel safe enough to do so.
