In the world of coaching, we love a good philosophical concept.
Whether it’s quoting Carl Rogers on unconditional positive regard or waxing lyrical about Viktor Frankl’s search for meaning, we often throw around big ideas with the best of intentions—but perhaps without always taking a moment to really reflect on what they mean in practice.
Martin Buber’s I/Thou philosophy is one of those concepts.
It’s easy to slip it into a conversation to sound thoughtful and profound—“Of course, the coaching relationship is all about I/Thou!”—but have we really considered what it means to relate to someone as a “Thou” rather than an “It”?
And how does this idea actually influence our day-to-day coaching practice?
This article sets out to explore the real significance of Buber’s I/Thou philosophy for coaching.
What does it mean to approach our clients as a “Thou”?
What are the risks of slipping into an “I/It” dynamic?
And how can we use this philosophy to cultivate the kind of relationships that foster deep, authentic transformation?
So, let’s go beyond the buzzwords and get into the heart of what Martin Buber’s relational philosophy can teach us as coaches—and how it can elevate the way we connect with our clients.
Understanding Buber’s I/Thou Philosophy
At its core, Buber’s philosophy describes two fundamental modes of relating to the world:
I/It Relationships
In an I/It relationship, we interact with others as objects or entities separate from ourselves. These interactions are often transactional, functional, or analytical, where the focus is on outcomes, efficiency, or utility.
While not inherently negative, I/It relationships treat the other as a “thing” to be acted upon rather than as a whole being.
I/Thou Relationships
In contrast, I/Thou relationships are deeply personal and mutual.
In these encounters, both individuals engage with one another as whole beings, without judgement, agenda, or objectification. There is a sense of presence, openness, and reciprocity.
Buber described I/Thou as a sacred space where we encounter the other in their full humanity, allowing for genuine connection and transformation.
Buber did not suggest that we can live in a permanent state of I/Thou. Life inevitably requires I/It interactions, especially in practical or functional matters.
However, he emphasised the importance of recognising and nurturing I/Thou moments as essential to our human experience and growth.
The I/It Dynamic in Coaching
In a coaching context, the I/It dynamic might appear when the coach-client relationship becomes overly transactional or mechanistic.
For example:
- A coach overly focused on techniques or frameworks may begin to see the client as a “problem to solve.”
- A client may approach coaching with the mindset of extracting solutions rather than engaging in a deeper exploration of self.
- Both coach and client might unconsciously fall into rigid roles—“helper” and “seeker”—losing sight of the relational potential of the encounter.
While tools, frameworks, and goals are valuable in coaching, an exclusive focus on these elements can reduce the relationship to an I/It interaction. This dynamic risks limiting the depth of connection, insight, and transformation that coaching can offer.
Coaching Through the I/Thou Lens
Bringing Buber’s I/Thou philosophy into coaching requires a shift in perspective—a move from seeing the client as an “It” to encountering them as a “Thou.”
This approach invites coaches to create a relational space where mutual presence, openness, and authenticity become the foundation of the work.
Here’s how I/Thou principles can inform coaching practice:
1. Presence as the Foundation
In an I/Thou relationship, presence is everything.
This means being fully attuned to the client in the moment, without distractions, judgments, or preconceived ideas. Presence goes beyond simply listening; it involves meeting the client with curiosity, compassion, and a willingness to be impacted by the interaction.
In coaching, this might look like:
- Setting aside preconceived agendas and allowing the session to unfold organically based on the client’s needs.
- Actively listening, not just to what the client says, but to the emotions, body language, and energy they bring.
- Offering the client your full attention, creating a space where they feel seen, heard, and valued.
2. Mutuality and Reciprocity
Unlike the hierarchical dynamic that can emerge in some helping professions, Buber’s I/Thou philosophy emphasises mutuality—a relationship where both parties are fully human and meet as equals. In coaching, this means recognising that both coach and client bring value to the encounter.
While the coach holds the space and facilitates the process, the client’s insights, experiences, and autonomy are central to the journey. An I/Thou dynamic respects the client’s capacity for self-discovery and honours their unique perspective.
3. Letting Go of Agenda
An I/Thou relationship requires the coach to release any fixed agenda or attachment to specific outcomes.
While goals are important, the relational space must remain flexible and responsive to the client’s unfolding experience.
This might involve:
- Allowing the session to take unexpected directions if it serves the client’s deeper exploration.
- Being open to sitting in uncertainty or discomfort alongside the client, without rushing to resolve it.
- Focusing on the quality of the interaction rather than the speed or efficiency of achieving results.
4. Seeing the Client as Whole
An I/Thou approach rejects the notion that the client is “broken” or needs to be “fixed.”
Instead, it acknowledges the client’s inherent wholeness, wisdom, and potential. By viewing the client as a “Thou,” the coach creates a space where the client feels safe to explore and express their authentic self.
This perspective also allows the coach to hold space for the client’s contradictions, vulnerabilities, and uncertainties without judgement, fostering deeper trust and openness.
Challenges of Sustaining I/Thou in Coaching
While the I/Thou dynamic offers a powerful framework for transformative coaching, it can be challenging to sustain.
The Practicalities of Coaching: Coaches must balance the relational depth of I/Thou with the practical needs of the coaching process, such as goal-setting and action planning.
Emotional Vulnerability: Meeting clients with an I/Thou presence requires coaches to embrace their own vulnerability, which can feel uncomfortable or exposing.
The Pull of I/It Dynamics: The demands of productivity, efficiency, or external pressures can easily pull both coach and client into an I/It mindset.
The key is not to remain in I/Thou at all times but to intentionally return to it whenever possible, using it as the foundation for authentic and meaningful engagement.
The Transformative Power of I/Thou in Coaching
When coaching embraces Buber’s I/Thou philosophy, the relationship itself becomes a catalyst for transformation.
In the sacred space of I/Thou, clients feel seen not as problems to be solved but as whole, complex beings with limitless potential. This depth of connection creates fertile ground for profound insights, shifts in perspective, and lasting change.
For coaches, the practice of I/Thou serves as a reminder that coaching is not just about tools or techniques—it’s about the relational space we co-create with our clients. It challenges us to meet our clients with presence, authenticity, and an openness to the unknown, trusting that the depth of the relationship will guide the journey.
In the words of Buber, “All real living is meeting.” By embracing the philosophy of I/Thou, coaches can create encounters that are not only transformational for the client but deeply enriching for themselves as well.
