Designed to Connect: How to Find Love That Lasts

Author : Faith Jones

28th February 2020

Having the best relationship of your life is one of the biggest goals you can have, as we are designed to connect and build intimate relationships. It seems like an integral part of our happiness. So much so that songs, stories and films around love are woven into every culture throughout time.

But here’s the thing, it often appears that finding love is something we just fall into and when it doesn’t happen that easily or doesn’t last, this may lead us to feel conflicted, pain, disappointed or even that we want to avoid it altogether. It may also start to feel like this mysterious, complicated, elusive thing with a heavy stigma attached to it.

What if there was a different perspective?

What if having the best relationship of your lives is available to all of us with conscious awareness of how we relate and create love?

Loving with awareness transformed me from being a hot mess in relationships, to being in the best relationship of my life and onto supporting others with love through coaching and styling.
This is how it all came to be.

For twenty years my love life generally made me feel miserable, swinging between bleak years of being single to being in unhealthy relationships so unhealthy that I spent two and half years in an emotionally abusive relationship. I felt confused by what makes love lasting, I was doing the best I could but I felt so far away from the fulfilment I desired in a relationship.

At thirty five I had a big turning point with a moment of realisation after my third partner broke up with me via email. Things were going seriously, it was a huge shock, I was devastated. I felt like I had hit the ground and shattered my heart. The pain was unreal, I couldn’t eat, sleep or focus at work. At times like this it is difficult to think that anyone else has felt pain like this.

Once again I’d allowed someone into my life who thought it was OK to discard basic human care like scraps on the floor.

No this is not a pity party u-uh! No this isn’t a judgement of my ex, I’ve let that go. The whole experience was some kind of disturbed messed up favour because the pain clicked something inside me and was the necessary catalyst I needed for change.

For the first time I got it. My people pleasing was diminishing me to accept scraps in my relationships from those who did not value me. No wonder I was on the floor.

At that point, I accepted a self-loving decision to never be miserable again. I dug deep into my courage and now I was ready to accept my seat at the table of high self-worth and feast in the delights of a happy relationship.

Even though I was in the turmoil of a new break up, I didn’t fall into the trap of trying to fix it or win him back instead I made decisions, took actions from that new level of high self-worth and focused on reconnecting with myself.

I then spent twelve months figuring out how to get the best relationship of my life from taking an honest look at myself and educating myself on this crazy thing called love. I worked out that there were 5 key areas that needed to be in place in order to have a great relationship. I applied those five key things and in six months attracted a great man, his name is Tony.

Things were different this time, I felt and behaved differently and low and behold I became attracted to someone who was very different.

Tony and I have been sharing our lives together for four and a half years and our relationship is designed exactly as we both want it. We fall asleep laughing at night and we are each other’s ultimate adventure buddies.

A whole new level of added fulfilment has opened up for us.

I look back six years and further and I hardly recognise that version of me. I rose like a Phoenix out of the ashes of my past.

Life now, has more ease, freedom, magic and beauty.

We’ll have a look at those five key areas a bit later on. Before then you may be wondering where does coaching come into this? How did my personal experience develop into the framework within which I now collaborate with clients? A framework built not on rules but about finding your unique version of love and self expression.

During my diploma with Animas it wasn’t initially obvious what I wanted to focus on within coaching. I felt a huge draw towards having a niche and pinpointing an area to delve into.

I worked with a coach to explore this, and shortly afterwards it struck me like a lightning-bolt.

Love. Of Course.

When I imagined coaching people around love for the first time it brought a wave of emotion through my body and tears to my eyes. I was going to take this as a sign.

Creating a wonderful partnership has been the greatest area of transformation in my life and the positive impact it’s still having on my life is huge.

Could my experience support others to find meaningful and fulfilling relationships? Perhaps the five key areas I discovered could create a grounding framework for elusive love?

Shortly after this realisation I attended the Transactional Analysis module on the Diploma. This was another moment of integration for me, as I observed how people related with the content. On one hand I found this weekend very introspective, and I remember others on the course expressing that they felt heavy hearted, and then on the other hand I noticed the trainer, Emily delivering the content with a sense of total acceptance and lightness.

This hugely inspired a part of who I wanted to be exploring love with my clients. How to bring joy, laughter, empowerment, expansiveness into an area that may feel shadowed in overwhelming mystery.

That is the light of love that I intentionally hold in every one of my sessions.
Where my clients and I may enter a space in which revealing ourselves is safe and accepting. Where the story of love being a mystery and complicated are challenged. Where we are open-hearted, honest, have healthy boundaries, and dance with the awareness of what comes up in the moment.

To support all of this let’s present the five key areas of a healthy and loving relationship I mentioned earlier on.

SHARE

You have to share common values and beliefs with your partner, because if you do not, you have no foundation for future compatibility and happiness, because things may be fine to begin with but the moment there is difficulty or a challenge there could be conflict and the relationship may become complicated as you do not find the same things important.

Discovering and embodying your values and beliefs acts as a guide to lasting love. They are the very foundations to build a relationship on.

SELF

Self is quite simply how you feel about yourself. It is your overall level or self-worth, self-confidence and self esteem. Our level of self sets the tone for how we let people treat us, and how we treat others, in other words; the quality of your relationship.

This is a loving practice that helps you raise your level of self to where you want it to be. No matter what overall level you are on now, it is always possible to raise it and chart your improvement.

SHAPE

Shape is uncovering what has shaped you over the years – from your family to past relationships. It is vital to address this factor, as failure to resolve and face up to your past experiences, will almost certainly result in your ongoing and future love life being defined by the past.

Our life experience can set up hidden patterns that influence how we relate to others and may block or even prevent us from being happy in love. Together we bring these patterns into awareness and transform them so you can reach your full potential in relationships.

STYLE

This is how your personal style influences attraction.
Prior to becoming a coach, I spent 10 years in the fashion industry. One of the major things this has taught me is that your personal style is an expression of identity and how you feel about yourself.

When it comes to attraction you must create a great first impression with your personal style, otherwise, people may form the wrong idea about you because, whether we like it or not, it’s in our nature to make assumptions at first glance.

What if you feel your appearance doesn’t really represent you well?
I support my clients here with styling services so that you are wearing yourself confidently and radiating the impression you wish to give.

SOCIABLE

This is where the dating aspect comes in.
Many haven’t found love because they are not giving themselves the opportunity to.

71% of people think that love happens at first sight, leading to deep disappointment when it doesn’t happen for you. Many say love will come to you, it’ll just happen. Hmmm honestly?

Yes sometimes people do get lucky, some people also win the lottery.

This point of view didn’t work for me, it hasn’t worked for any of my clients and it seems to not be working for the five and half million UK adults who worry about being alone. Unless you have positive intent, key dating skills in place and focused action you may find yourself in the same place in one year, two years, five years time.

When many of my clients begin with me they feel frustrated with their dating results so far.

Well guess what? Once we have those other five key areas in place my clients feel differently about dating. They have clarity on how to create a healthy relationship, who is compatible for them and they are feeling great about themselves inside and out. They feel motivated in taking action to meet a great partner allowing themselves to shine brightly into the dating world.

I often hear people say romantic relationships are complicated, I have an alternative view to put forward. They may seem complicated due to the amount of unconscious conflict we feel in this area. Having the five key areas provides a secure anchoring for us to explore the landscape of love.

This is the framework which umbrellas the multitude of unique experiences we have with love. Inviting you into purposefully understanding how these areas may be influencing your love life.

Our instincts are to build relationships for survival but intimate partnerships have the power to create so much more.

Love can show us how to navigate life in a beautiful way. Improving the rich quality of our experience. Where we feel understood, fulfilled, valued, supported, full of energy, unstoppable and get to share that experience with another.

It’s as if being in the best relationship of our life can facilitate living our best life.

Now I am on a mission to share these five key areas with as many people as possible so you can also have the best relationship of your life too.

When having the best relationship of your life is a goal for you, I invite you to stop sweeping it under the carpet and rise like a Phoenix flying into love wholeheartedly! The rewards are exponential, and life becomes more magical.


You can find out more about Faith and her coaching here.


If you would like us to help tell your story or you would like to share your coaching niche, philosophy or agenda in the form of a blog, like this one – contact Sam to express your interest: sam.chambers@animascoaching.com

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